Polite · Sunday May 10, 2009 by Julie
I used to tell my kids that if they were having too much fun with their food, they probably weren’t being polite. Same goes for anything loud or active in the house. There’s always the option of doing whatever it is outside, where different standards apply. I don’t know what they made of that advice, but they were seldom rowdy at meals or in the house.
An off-island friend told me about a visit from a neighbor with a little girl who laid waste to her house, scaring the cat, banging the piano, and re-arranging the knitting. “Damn hippie mother,” she said. “Has issues with authority herself so she can’t stand punishing her kid.”
I think punishment is passé. Maybe sometimes the situation demands it, but I think it’s an indication that you’ve lost control of yourself. It’s not that hard to get your kids to be allies in their own upbringing. Every kid wants to mature into power and glory. The fewer self-imposed walls they run into, the better all around. They know that.
What to advise Ms. Rainbow?
First of all, figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Recognize that you should take steps to actualize yourself, and that your children are not the arena in which to play out your personal issues.
Next, observe your children. How can you facilitate their blossoming? Act from your own strengths, help your children with their strengths. Address your own weaknesses, but, in my opinion, it is seldom useful to concentrate on your children’s weaknesses. Much of what an adult sees as a weakness in a child is simply developmental. If you need to address something, work from their strengths.
Recognize that one of the strongest drives is towards competence. Ordinarily, people, including children, don’t want to feel out of control. Help them with strategies for finding stuff out, for playing, for dealing with pets, for interacting with strangers.
Be alert for toxic patterns in your parenting. In my observations, cranky (or incompetent) parents who don’t believe in hitting their kids sometimes resort to passive-aggressiveness, guilt-tripping, reasoning, controlling behavior, or opting out. You know you don’t want to be that person. In tense situations, just announce clear, enforceable limits in simple words, and then enforce them. No fair mentioning it later.
Learn more about parenting. I’d go here.
